Slap Shot
Comic Strip – Story One: Free to Read
First, the gesture. Then, the attitude. A little hope, zero wings, and a spectacular faceplant. If you wanna see me crash and burn in eleven more ridiculous episodes, they’re just $2.99 a pop.
Buckle up and bring popcorn!
We've only just begun
Chapter 1 of 12
based on true events
Every time I wanted things to go my way, life never failed to deliver with what seemed a magnetic force that intervened. Actually, the higher powers that be, never quite had that strong of a hold on me. It certainly wasn’t forceful enough to deter me. Come to think of it, that's not what pulled me closer or sent me packing. Maybe, magnet wasn’t the right word to use. Anyway...
Some twit always made it impossible for me to have my way! All I wanted was to have a little cake, lick all the icing and devour it before anyone else could. Was that so bad? Get your own cake!
Now, don’t everyone go gettin yer knickers in a knot, you might be a twit, but this might not be about you, then again, if it were, how come you're in my story? Were you just as rotten as little ol' me? We won’t go there.
Gator, wasn't an impy stinker. He was a hoot! My right-hand man! Or I was his, it didn’t matter. Side by side, we did everything together, including fight and flight while trying hard not to miss out on a midnight heist! As in snacks, raiding the fridge for munchies, not an actual bank heist or anything. We were only kids for heaven's sake.
Everything had us in stitches! Actually, I had him cracking up; he just wasn’t that funny. Gator was a great audience though, and a real instiGator..., get it? He knew he could make things happen by remaining impartial. If it couldn’t be done, he was smart enough to tell me about it. Gator knew I’d get the job taken care of. Sometimes he didn’t have to say anything at all, just sit back and enjoy the show or let it hit me in the face, whichever.
He and I were brother and sister. With his steady demeanor and my outlandish behaviour, we were each other's life support system in a not so normal world. As much as we were encouraging, we were no stranger to attention seeking tactics and competitive spirits, capable of jumping on each other's last nerve.
Mishaps were never out of reach. Something as simple as a telephone ringing could set off a brawl. Maybe the scuffle was out of boredom, who knows, but when the phone rang, the fight was on! This would be when telephones were mounted to the wall, nothing at all like our cordless handheld digital smartphones and their techno space age features.
Back in ancient times, a phone was called a landline. It had a receiver and rotodial. A lot of us remember what type of phone this was, if you don't, google is a click away. It was a pain in the rump to dial a phone number that had an eight, nine, or zero! One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three, four, holy, I cold have ran next door and had the conversation already! It wasn't that bad, but I had no patience.
It was considered a luxury to have a fifty-foot extension cord on the receiver so that a private conversation could be strung up in a trail to the washroom. How private was that? Everyone knew the phone was in use and would rally up against the washroom door to have a listen in on the conversation. I suppose just having the ability to imagine we were talking privately made the extension cord quite popular.
When it came to privacy, I didn’t dare talk about which boy or three my sister was seeing at the same time or what they did together the night before. I certainly wouldn’t share information about my parents’ financial situation and how they were late on the power bill. Those were private tellie-chats. Eavesdropping for me, was more about preparation than anything. If I overheard someone discussing the right course of action to discipline me, my bags were packed and ready to go with John Denver, 'cause I’m a leavin on a jet plane, I don’t know when I’ll be back again.'
One phone call, two stubborn siblings, and zero chance of backing down. In this story, vengeance is rotary-dialed and karma wears house slippers.
based on true events
Great song, I still sing it all the time! Anyway, where were we; oh yeah, I was about to discuss the time my phone rang - in my house - and it was either Gator or me in receivership. I believe I had the upper hand since it was my house phone, but somehow he had the upper speed!
Gator snatched the receiver and held onto it like Raymond Berry of the Baltimore Colts! He wasn’t letting it go for nuttin! But I wanted it. So, we both held on. He had a firm grip where the wiring hooked to the receiver, and I had the cord! There was no way he could say a word to anyone on the other end without me giving him a few more inches to do so.
“It’s my phone! Leave it alone!” I hollered.
“Let it go!” He retorted, looking a little out of sorts with clenched teeth and wide eyes, as if to scare me off with alarming features.
Like I was scared! Anyone who seen my grand-mama when she was mad wished they had a ticket to board that next jet plane! Most people just look funny when they're mad, my grandma's stare-down was scarier than your worst nightmare, and she followed through with all eyeball threats! This was Gator's mom, maybe he was practicing for when he had kids. Whatever the issue, I was about ready to clunk him over the head if he didn't let go of my phone!
"I said drop it!"
"You let go!"
“Not a chance.” I retorted. “It’s my phone. You let go!”
“You want it?”
What do you think?!”
“Are you sure, you want it?!” He repeated as if delusional the first time around.
“Give… it… to… me!”
Whack! Right in the kisser! The receiver snapped like an elastic band and walloped me hard in the face. I’d never been stupefied into a standing coma before.
"Why did you do that?!" I moaned through the slits of my fingers while rubbing my face trying to ease the sting.
"Well, you wanted it." Gator smirked and then lost all self control, tumbling over in a laughing frenzy. I'm sure he's doing it right now while reading this. Apparently, he knew more about gravity than I did.
When I came to, my mouth did a few lip curls, and then propelled me to choke off his throat. The sound of his laughter made me do it! Now who's laughing! Ha! We grappled and slammed each other around and suddenly, I was in the hand-held choke hold. Gator seethed and growled something about how he’d had enough of my bad attitude. His face was twisted up and mangled by his stretched neck and popped veins. He had the features of a professional contortionist. It was quite impressive!
“Jeez man, what’s your problem?" I grunted through a squashed yapper pipe. "Settle down.”
based on true events
I thought my fate was sealed and that he would ever let go. That was until my mom showed up, which was his sister. She lost her cool with a few whacks upside his head and some spit to go along with those blows.
“Ugh…,” I choked up the remnants of saliva caught in the back of my throat. “I don’t know why he did it, mom. I answered the phone and he just came at me.”
“HUH?!” Gator looked to be in a bit of panic, but nothing he couldn’t handle. I knew he was strong, shit, he nearly cut off my life support. I’m sure a few whacks upside his head would only bruise his ego. Look who had the upper hand now.
Mom was really giving it to him good. I darn near felt bad and came clean about the whole ordeal. She had him pinned up against the deep freeze in the same position he had me in. I knew what it felt like to be on the receiving end of loopy behaviour, but I had to let it play out. It was either him or me.
An hour later, he still refused to talk, to anyone. This was serious. I tried everything to wheedle him out of his ornery mood. But he was having none of it. He wouldn’t eat, smile, play, nothing but sit on the couch. I was really hoping Gator would get over it soon, because I had some great ideas for what we could do next!
And that's how an upper hand works. I too, met my fate after realizing that it was grandma on the other end of the phone call. Apparently, she didn't miss a thing. I lost my upper hand when hers came down hard on my rump!
Fact or Fiction:
From the mind of ADHD, you win some, you lose some.
SLAP SHOT | Golden Globe| STUBBY | GOOSED
FALL GUY | ARCHNIDS | SPARTAN | VARICELL
STRAPPED | FACE PLANT | FARCICAL | TREADING